Thoughts on Vanity - and 4 down 2 to go!

4 Baldies - Granddaughter Demetria, Daughter Katrina,
me, and Son Patrick

Patrick and family came for the 4th of July and we had a great time.  We finally got a picture of the four of us together, Demi, Katrina and Patrick all shaved their heads to show their support for my journey through breast cancer - so here we are - the 4 baldies.  Demi and Katrina were chatting about how they think that every teenage girls should shave there head once, it changed their perspective on many things.  What I see is that it increased maturity and confidence in both girls.  I've learned a lot from them. Patrick is planning on keeping his head shaved for a while.  Thank you guys!

Hair - what a subject!

I've always struggled with my curly hair, I grew up in the straight hair era and tried very hard to have straight hair like everyone else, dippity do, sleeping on huge rollers, ironing, straight wig.... but I could never get rid of the curls.  At some point in my late 20's or early 30's I gave up and decided to embrace my curly hair and let it be what it was. 

This is also the time that I became obsessive about my hair and developed a fear of getting it cut, many beauticians cut curly hair the same as straight, which ends up making you look like the girl in Dilbert, or Sally in Peanuts, not a pretty picture. 

So when I was diagnosed with cancer, I found out first that I wouldn't be able to shower for 4-6 weeks, then once I started Chemo I would lose my hair - YIKES!  But it actually put my vanity in perspective. 

The first thing I did was get my hair cut shoulder length (about 8 inches off) so it would be easier to wash after surgery, this was the first step to baldness.  Amazing I really liked it! 

Step two - the day after my first Chemo, my wonderful daughters came over and cut my hair to about 2 inches long - I still liked it! 

Step Three - 14 days after my first chemo - my hair started falling out, I stepped out of the shower and shaved it all off instead of watching it fall out by the handful and watch it wash down the drain (I thought sounded really depressing) - how liberating that was, another instance where being proactive helps!  Meet your fears head on and take action!!!  OK enough on hair.

How about losing a breast for the next subject!

1st you receive the diagnosis that you have breast cancer, before you even have time to adjust a little, you see the surgeon.  On Wednesday the surgeon, says "You need surgery to remove this, I would do a modified radical mastectomy, we'll take your whole left breast as well as many lymph nodes".  I say "Wow, how much time do I have to think about this?".  Surgeon, "I want to schedule you for 1st thing Monday morning."  5 minutes to decide - 5 days to adjust!  This is a breast we're talking about, for women that can be pretty traumatic. 
The media makes a big deal out of breasts - bigger better? smaller being OK, but not as good as big? - these concepts put out there by the media effect the self image of women from before they even have breasts clear through their lives.  Where did this come from - it came from the idea that breasts are a sex object, a male media produced concept.  Have you ever noticed that in the media women are always supposed to look young, never grow gray, or sag, or gain any weight?  But the men age and get ever younger women.  I don't believe this is very healthy for anyone.  I don't want my daughters to feel they have to buy in to this line of thought, nor do I want my sons to (so far so good on all of them).  I'm pleased to say that my husband doesn't buy in to this, not that he doesn't like my breasts (my kids would say TMI), but he told me that with 1 breast I would be like an Amazon woman that lost my breast to make me stronger, what a guy! 
I believe that God gave us breasts for a reason, to feed our children.  How do I feel about losing one of them?  I discovered that they really are a part of  my self image, they fed my 5 children, they looked good in clothes, not only did my hair define me, but so did my breasts.  This led to a lot of questions - how will my clothes fit, what will my body look like, I scar easily, will I still look OK, how will others perceive me, will people look at my breast and try to see the difference, how much will it hurt, will I develop lymphedema, should I have him take both breasts, will I have reconstruction eventually or is that just my vanity talking......?
So, how do I feel about it now that it's over - it isn't easy, the scar is ugly, I'm lopsided, half of my chest is numb, there is pain and tightness at times - But they make awesome prostheses that, with a special bra (your insurance pays for them both) are very comfortable and you look just like you did before, they even make swimsuits that you can wear the prosthesis in, sometimes you even forget you are missing a breast, all of my clothes fit fine (except that I've lost a little weight, so maybe the clothes are looser), people don't stare at your chest to see if they can see the difference, I haven't developed lymphedema, the pain is lessening, and I'm considering reconstruction up the road (it's not vain, but actually pretty practical).

My lesson in vanity!
My hair and breasts do not define me as a person - who I am inside is not determined by my body, my body is a vehicle, and right now it's a war zone involved in a great battle, no one comes out of a war zone unscathed physically, mentally, and/or spiritually.  We need to take time to make sure the scars that are left help us grow in a positive direction.  This war is teaching me something new about myself every day, showing me the strengths and weaknesses that I have, what I need to work on, giving me empathy and understanding for others going through trials, helping me put my priorities in order, showing me how much God does for me daily (I couldn't do this without the help of Jesus and the intercessory prayers of Mary), how thankful that I am for all that I have, my faith, my family, my friends, all the people praying for me (even total strangers), and even my trials. 

Please remember all cancer patients in your prayers, as well as their families, caregivers, doctors and nurses.  They are an amazing group of people!

Thank you all and God bless you,
Linda

PS I'm still handling the treatments well, but have developed an issue with my tear ducts, they may put a stint in for the remainder of my treatments, I see the opthamologist in the morning.