Thoughts on Vanity - and 4 down 2 to go!

4 Baldies - Granddaughter Demetria, Daughter Katrina,
me, and Son Patrick

Patrick and family came for the 4th of July and we had a great time.  We finally got a picture of the four of us together, Demi, Katrina and Patrick all shaved their heads to show their support for my journey through breast cancer - so here we are - the 4 baldies.  Demi and Katrina were chatting about how they think that every teenage girls should shave there head once, it changed their perspective on many things.  What I see is that it increased maturity and confidence in both girls.  I've learned a lot from them. Patrick is planning on keeping his head shaved for a while.  Thank you guys!

Hair - what a subject!

I've always struggled with my curly hair, I grew up in the straight hair era and tried very hard to have straight hair like everyone else, dippity do, sleeping on huge rollers, ironing, straight wig.... but I could never get rid of the curls.  At some point in my late 20's or early 30's I gave up and decided to embrace my curly hair and let it be what it was. 

This is also the time that I became obsessive about my hair and developed a fear of getting it cut, many beauticians cut curly hair the same as straight, which ends up making you look like the girl in Dilbert, or Sally in Peanuts, not a pretty picture. 

So when I was diagnosed with cancer, I found out first that I wouldn't be able to shower for 4-6 weeks, then once I started Chemo I would lose my hair - YIKES!  But it actually put my vanity in perspective. 

The first thing I did was get my hair cut shoulder length (about 8 inches off) so it would be easier to wash after surgery, this was the first step to baldness.  Amazing I really liked it! 

Step two - the day after my first Chemo, my wonderful daughters came over and cut my hair to about 2 inches long - I still liked it! 

Step Three - 14 days after my first chemo - my hair started falling out, I stepped out of the shower and shaved it all off instead of watching it fall out by the handful and watch it wash down the drain (I thought sounded really depressing) - how liberating that was, another instance where being proactive helps!  Meet your fears head on and take action!!!  OK enough on hair.

How about losing a breast for the next subject!

1st you receive the diagnosis that you have breast cancer, before you even have time to adjust a little, you see the surgeon.  On Wednesday the surgeon, says "You need surgery to remove this, I would do a modified radical mastectomy, we'll take your whole left breast as well as many lymph nodes".  I say "Wow, how much time do I have to think about this?".  Surgeon, "I want to schedule you for 1st thing Monday morning."  5 minutes to decide - 5 days to adjust!  This is a breast we're talking about, for women that can be pretty traumatic. 
The media makes a big deal out of breasts - bigger better? smaller being OK, but not as good as big? - these concepts put out there by the media effect the self image of women from before they even have breasts clear through their lives.  Where did this come from - it came from the idea that breasts are a sex object, a male media produced concept.  Have you ever noticed that in the media women are always supposed to look young, never grow gray, or sag, or gain any weight?  But the men age and get ever younger women.  I don't believe this is very healthy for anyone.  I don't want my daughters to feel they have to buy in to this line of thought, nor do I want my sons to (so far so good on all of them).  I'm pleased to say that my husband doesn't buy in to this, not that he doesn't like my breasts (my kids would say TMI), but he told me that with 1 breast I would be like an Amazon woman that lost my breast to make me stronger, what a guy! 
I believe that God gave us breasts for a reason, to feed our children.  How do I feel about losing one of them?  I discovered that they really are a part of  my self image, they fed my 5 children, they looked good in clothes, not only did my hair define me, but so did my breasts.  This led to a lot of questions - how will my clothes fit, what will my body look like, I scar easily, will I still look OK, how will others perceive me, will people look at my breast and try to see the difference, how much will it hurt, will I develop lymphedema, should I have him take both breasts, will I have reconstruction eventually or is that just my vanity talking......?
So, how do I feel about it now that it's over - it isn't easy, the scar is ugly, I'm lopsided, half of my chest is numb, there is pain and tightness at times - But they make awesome prostheses that, with a special bra (your insurance pays for them both) are very comfortable and you look just like you did before, they even make swimsuits that you can wear the prosthesis in, sometimes you even forget you are missing a breast, all of my clothes fit fine (except that I've lost a little weight, so maybe the clothes are looser), people don't stare at your chest to see if they can see the difference, I haven't developed lymphedema, the pain is lessening, and I'm considering reconstruction up the road (it's not vain, but actually pretty practical).

My lesson in vanity!
My hair and breasts do not define me as a person - who I am inside is not determined by my body, my body is a vehicle, and right now it's a war zone involved in a great battle, no one comes out of a war zone unscathed physically, mentally, and/or spiritually.  We need to take time to make sure the scars that are left help us grow in a positive direction.  This war is teaching me something new about myself every day, showing me the strengths and weaknesses that I have, what I need to work on, giving me empathy and understanding for others going through trials, helping me put my priorities in order, showing me how much God does for me daily (I couldn't do this without the help of Jesus and the intercessory prayers of Mary), how thankful that I am for all that I have, my faith, my family, my friends, all the people praying for me (even total strangers), and even my trials. 

Please remember all cancer patients in your prayers, as well as their families, caregivers, doctors and nurses.  They are an amazing group of people!

Thank you all and God bless you,
Linda

PS I'm still handling the treatments well, but have developed an issue with my tear ducts, they may put a stint in for the remainder of my treatments, I see the opthamologist in the morning. 

Time for an Update - 2nd week of the 2nd Chemo Cycle

I guess it's time for an update - and a wig picture.

Congratulations Demi - my 15 year old granddaughter got her drivers permit today - YIKES!!!!

Congratulations Francis and Ingrid - they are expecting a 2nd baby on Christmas - grandchild #14. YIKES!!!!

I had the best lunch on Sunday, 3 of my sister-in-laws (Roseann, Robin & Renee) came by and we went to lunch, what a blessed visit we had, I hope we can do it again soon, and have others join us.

Emily brought me Cream of Broccoli soup for dinner, she made it all by herself and it was wonderful - even with my altered taste buds it tasted great - Thank you Emily!!

Well, I'm on the second week of the second "big" chemo (1/3 of the way done - only 4 more "big"ones to go).  So much for knowing what to expect and having a pattern to follow.  This time I feel better in some ways, but, boy when they say you may be fatigued, I had no clue.  It's the kind of fatigue that you have when you've been up for three days, but it comes and goes at will and you can't work through it, doing that only makes it worse.  It brought some things to the forefront for me - I have to let my body tell me what it needs (rest), and I have to let things go - being a control freak makes this a little challenging. 

Yesterday I hit a wall, which made me start thinking that maybe my priorities needed to be rearranged.  Here goes - I have cancer, that means that my body is trying to get rid of a dread invader; I'm getting Chemo, that means that they are dumping drugs that kill cancer in to my body at a volume that "will kill the cancer", but not only does it kill the cancer, it kills your healthy cells too; then your body is trying to recover, let the cancer cells die, and restore the healthy cells before it all starts over again three weeks later.  Wow, what a roller coaster ride, no wonder I'm tired. 

Here's the to-do list of what I need to do to get well, and maintain a healthy (both physically and mentally) life - let me know if you see me getting off track.

• I'm not in charge - God is!  Give my life to Him daily - He'll take care of me.
• Pray for healing, patience, understanding and just plain help. 
• Thank God for the wonderful and supportive family, friends and co-workers that I have, I couldn't do this without them.
• Take time for my family, to enjoy and love them (it's not easy for them either, they have to put up with me).
•  Relax and rest - as my surgeon said,  "Tissues at rest heal best".  This isn't just true for tissues, it's true for my mind as well, meditate on the important things in life, find time just to clear my mind and let calm and peace enter it. 
• Walk and enjoy the summer, it releases endorphins, oxygenates the blood, tones the body and gives peace to the mind - and walking with someone is an added bonus. 
• Plan and enjoy healthy,  life-giving meals - lots of variety (the more colors, the more variety) - fish, whole grains, fruits, vegetables, grass fed beef - whole, organic foods.  Eat regularly and small meals (settles better). 
• Don't eat chicken - carboplatin makes it taste disgusting.
• Drink lots of fluids (adding lemon to your water makes it taste better) - keeps the pipes working, cleans the toxins out of your system, so that you recover faster from the treatments and are in a better place when it's time for the next one - Yippeee!!
• Enjoy meal times with your family, spend the time to just sit and chat about the day, eat slowly and relax. 
• The housework will always be there, don't stress about it.
• If I'm tired, just say no and take a break.
• Thank God that I work for a company, and with people, that allows me to set my schedule according to how I'm feeling, has rearranged most of my duties, allows me to work from home, has disability insurance, and good medical insurance - so that I can take the time and energy that I need to get well.

Jesus I Trust in You!

Thank you all for your prayers and support.  Cancer cells begone.

God Bless you,

Linda

Demi Joined the Ranks of the Bald and Beautiful!!!!!

Here is my beautiful 15 year old granddaughter, joining ranks with her dad, aunt and me.  Thanks Demi - I love you!  You are beautiful.

Nonna

Happy Memorial Day - A Great Day to Lose Your Hair!

My hair started falling out yesterday.  I thought I would be brave and let it take its own sweet time, but decided - NO!  If I'm going to be bald it will be my choice - when and how, not the Chemo's.  Chemo can control a lot of things, but not this.  So I got up this morning and shaved it off.  Surprisingly it doesn't look half bad.   River, one of my 73/4 year old (as he says) grandsons, looked at my head and said - Wow - and you're still pretty Nona.  Gotta love that kid.

Katrina in a show of solidarity - shaved her head too, she's just as beautiful without hair as she is with.  Thank you Katrina that is so sweet of you, you are amazing.

I found that it isn't near as scary to be bald as I thought it would be, though my head is a little cold without a hat, but I have plenty of those, I wonder if Katrina is planning on borrowing them.

Baldness already seems normal and it's only been 12 hours.  I'm continuously amazed about what I consider normal now, compared to a couple of months ago, it's truly wonderful how adaptable we can be.  Living with an attitutude of gratitude, trusting in our Lord, rolling with the punches and keeping a postive, fun outlook makes all the difference.  My faith carries me through the dips, I just have to remember to say "Jesus I trust in You". 

I again want to thank everyone for the prayers and support - I have an amazing group of family, friends and even casual acquaintances.

Love to you all and May God Bless you and your families.

Linda

Hair Cut and Scarf Bonding with some wonderful girls

Well it was suggested yesterday by a couple of wonderful nurses at the Willamette Valley Cancer Center that it might be a good idea to cut my hair short soon, as it would be starting to fall out in 2-4 weeks, this would help me avoid the hair fall out shock.  Juliana brought Katrina home from their journey to Demi's Confirmation and she offered to cut it for me - I don't think that I've had it this short since 8th grade.  Thanks Juliana for doing such a good job. 

Then we got carried away with scarf bonding, testing out the hats and the ways to tie scarves.  I have the best daughters, they are amazing.  Emily joined in the fun too.  It would have been fun to have Mom, Betty, Demi, Ingrid and Ellie. 




It looks like Patrick did his bit and shaved his head, Anthony thought he looked like an alien, but I think that he is as handsome as ever. 





Below are some pictures of our Scarf day.

Thank you all for the great day - I love you all.  May God Bless my amazing family.

Mom (Linda)

5/17/2010 Chemo - 1 Down - 5 To Go!

I can feel any lurking cancer cells saying their good byes before DYEING!!!!!

Today was my first Chemo day, we were there from 9-5, having labs drawn, seeing the Dr. and his nurse, who gave us all the info about what was going to happen, what to expect, what to be concerned about, what to watch out for, and what do if/when I get the issues. Then six hours on an IV, actually through my port that was placed below my right collar bone, first giving me saline, so that I would have to use the bathroom at least once an hour while I was there.

Then the "Chemo" started - first they gave me mega doses of Benedryl and more steriods (I'm already taking high doses of steriods for three days - good bye sleep, I hear that by the end of the week though that all I'll want to do is sleep). Next came the actual "Chemo" drugs Taxotere, this is the one the are most worried will cause an allergic reaction on the first treatment, next Carboplatin, everything went well. The taxotere kills cancer cells that are growing, and Carboplatin kills them at rest. I will be receiving these every three weeks for 6 treatments total.

Then came the Hercepitin - this is actually a targeted therapy, it's an antibody that works against HER/2neu positve cancer cells, given in conjuction with the Chemo on my chemo days, but is also give weekly during the "6 treatment phase" I will receive it 3 times for every Chemo treatment, after that I will continue to receive this every three weeks for a year.

So far I feel fine, but it's probably because I have so many phramaceuticals to keep me that way for the next day or two. By Thursday these drugs will all wear off, and I may not feel so good for a few days, but they've covered their bases there too, with more drugs if needed.

7-14 days after these treatments my white cells drop and it's much easier for me to develop a serious infection - that's the time to stay away from sick people and crowds.

Good News - starting next week with my weekly Herceptin treatment I will get to receive the rest of my treatments in Florence, barring any issues - YaaHoo! That will make the day easier.

A word on my prostheic breast and bra - you can't tell the difference from a real one, it feels comfortable, looks great, is easy to use, you can take it swimming. Sometimes I even forget that I dont' still have the real one, kind of weird actually.

Thank you all for your continued prayers - they make a world of difference. I'm so blessed with my family, friends, neighbors, acquaintances. Small towns are a wonderful place to be, it's amazing how people that you barely know are there to pray for you, and help you, and they really mean it. Sure makes me feel bad about the times that I could have been there for others, but I just didn't get it done. Hoping to change that in the future.

TTFN - more on this new Lifes Adventure soon.

Through the prayers of the Mother of God - O Saviour Save us!!!

Linda

5/7/2010 - Good Results!!!! Happy Mother's Day.

I spent all day Wednesday getting scanned, top to bottom - I got the results, NO SIGN of metastasis - yippee, and now they have a baseline for the future. We also have a good baseline for my heart (my heart looked great), since herceptin can cause heart issues, that's very rare, but does happen.

The Dr. decided to put my chemo off for a week or so because I'm still on antibiotics for the abscessed tooth that I had worked on last week, they want to wait until I'm done with the antibiotics just to make sure. This is kind of sad, because I wanted to get moving on this, but it's better to be safe than sorry.

We're in Medford this weekend for Elijah's First Communion, Father Cary and Cary celebrated a beautiful mass yesterday for 32 young ones. The Church was packed and it was just the families and friends of the First Communicants. It turned out to be a beautiful, sunny day. Betty made an amazing banquet for the bunch of us, and Patrick did a wonderful job of barbequing (not sure that's how you spell that). Great family visiting time. We don't get to see Patrick, Betty, Demi, Anthony, Eli and Ellie near enough. The kids are so fun to be around.

Two friends/co-workers, Toni and Lynn, did the Relay for Life in Boise for me yesterday - Thanks Toni and Lynn.

Happy Mother's Day to everyone. Enjoy your families, if you haven't talked to them in a while give them a call.

God bless,
Linda