Wow - I can't Believe It's Been More than a Month

Jude and I preparing sauce for Thanksgiving Dinner

My primary treatments (Chemo and Radiation) are over, my chest has mostly healed, I had bilateral carpal tunnel surgery, and I lost my job.  Time to start the next adventure I guess. 

Completing my primary cancer treatments is a huge milestone.  I just wish I knew what it meant.  I'm faced now with a whole new future.  Where do I go now?

Father David had an amazing homily yesterday at Mass - He spoke of the quiet faithfulness of St. Joseph (something that I want to learn and practice) and also quoted Joseph Campbell (who I'm not sure I agree with all of his theories) who said "We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us."  My week will be spent trying to live that - what does God have planned for me next, because my life is in His hands, not mine, and I need to be open to what He has in store for me. 

I know what I don't want in my life going forward and I know what I do want.  I don't want the high stress, pressure, negativity, and, I do want more God, family, and me time.  I guess God is taking care of it, please pray that I will be able to recognize what He is showing me. 

God Bless you all and have a Blessed Christmas,
Linda

Katrina's Head Shaving Video

Katrina just shared the video that she and Liriel did when she shaved her head - thanks Katrina - I love you.

Happy Halloween - only 6 more days of radiation - What Now?




Demi, Ellie, Eli and Anthony

 

Well, the intense treatments are coming to an end soon, it seems like I should be excited, but am I?  Not really, more like scared, depressed, sore, lost, exhausted, happy, nervous, stressed, emotional, relieved .... I think that I've been so busy handling the day to day medical treatments and their effects that I really haven't come to terms with the fact that I have/had cancer. 





Vincent







What next?  I still have infusions every 3 weeks for a year, and take an aromatase inhibitor to stop the estrogen in my body for 5 years, these both have side effects that need to be dealt with... and... Is the cancer really gone?  Will it recur?  How long before I feel normal again, hmmm?  I hear that now I have to find my "new normal", that my life will never be the same after this experience.  I believe it! 



Jude and Isaac



According to my doctors I've handled my treatments well, I wonder what it's like if you don't - YIKES!  After cancer treatment you are left with a exhausted, battered, bruised and burned body - cancer free, hopefully, but damaged.  My body hurts everywhere, to the point where it's hard to move, my mind can't concentrate on anything longer than 5 minutes, unloading the dishwasher is exhausting.  So how do I find that new normal?  How do you begin to heal spiritually, emotionally, physically?  I don't know, but now I'm going to find out, one day at a time, starting right now!!!







Paul, Thomas and Isaac



I started looking up information on how long this healing process can take - most sources say that you should expect it to take at least as long as you were in treatment to heal, then you will probably never feel like you did "before".  I asked one of my doctors last week what my expectations should be, she said I should consider thinking about trying to go back to work part time after the first of the year, and see how it goes.  I don't know if this makes me feel worse or better, at least it makes me feel like I'm not a whiner and a wimp (looking for the positive here)!  





 



Emily and Sarah



On the bright side - my hair and eyebrows are growing back, my family has been amazing, supportive, helpful, patient, understanding...I could go on and on; I feel somewhat better than while I was undergoing chemo, I can drive again, sometimes I can cook a whole meal by myself, food tastes right now, I've lost weight, I can walk further without getting tired, and I'm almost done with rad

George and Vegas

iation.  The support from friends and acquaintances has been overwhelming (thank you all), the cancer survivors have been shining examples of strength, information, bravery and so much more, the doctors, nurses, MA's, radiation therapists...have been wonderful. 







Paul, River, Devin and Thomas



There is so much to be thankful for, I know that with all that I've been given, and with so many people praying for me that I'll find my "new" normal, and it will be better than my "old" normal.









Thanks and God Bless you - and Happy Halloween,



Linda







Living Proof - Herceptin a monoclonal antibody for HER2/Neu+ Breast Cancer

This is a great movie about what it took to get Herceptin as a standard of treatment, not only for metastatic breast cancer, but all breast cancers that over express the HER2 protein, causing this to be an especially fast growing cancer that had a higher recurrence rate.  Read all about this great drug, which has been part of my treatment, and will be for the next several months, at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trastuzumab

I laughed and cried, sympathized and understood.  The movie was very well done and it was a great portrayal of women with breast cancer.  Check out the trailer, I was able to order the movie from Netflix - if you watch it let me know what you think.



Linda

Guest House - Radiation - Eye Surgery

 The Guest House Deck is beautiful and peaceful.  You can sit in the porch swing, eat at the tables, and as it gets dark you can see the wildlife come out - ducks, nutria, and a very large family of raccoons.  The sound of the fountain softens the sound of the traffic.  It's so peaceful and restful.  It certainly hasn't hurt that the weather has been so nice, it's been perfect for sitting out there in the evening, and just watching the world go by.  And the college kids and the fraternity guys in the building across the creek, but Katrina hasn't noticed so don't tell her.

Here's a picture of our room, it's nice and cozy, but roomy enough for the both of us.  It's really quiet and private.  I couldn't think of a nicer place to stay.  We've since moved to a different room upstairs with a couch and queen size bed, it's even nicer.





It looks like the eye surgery has been successful, my eyes have stopped watering, mostly, and I can see well enough to drive some and read for more than 5 minutes.  I see the doctor tomorrow for the follow up.  I have to say that the reaction that my eyes had to the taxotere has got to be one of the worst and most inconvenient side effects of the chemotherapy.

I started the hormone therapy - Arimidex (anastrozole), not sure how it works, but it somehow block estrogen.  The generic form of this drug has only been available for a couple of months, my pharmacist told me that a couple of months ago his cost for the drug was $475 for a 30 day supply, now that it's generic his cost dropped to $10 for a 30 day supply, hmmmmm, I wonder what that says about the pharmaceutical industry?

Radiation is progressing well.  We'll see what next week brings.

It sure is great to come home on the weekends.

Later,
Linda

Eugene - Radiation Day 0

Wow - that was interesting!!  I'm all set up and ready to be radiated.  I'm scheduled for 30 days starting tomorrow.  They tattooed me - 7 in all.  I think that I have more tattoos than any of my kids do now, mine would be a little hard to find, and they look like a connect the dots picture, but hey, I can now say that I have a tattoo now.  I think they should make little flowers, but they might be a little hard to line up with the laser lights and templates for the radiation machine.  I asked my radiation therapist, Jeff, where he learned to tatto, and he said prison, I guess that's why they aren't real cool tattoos. 

Katrina and I are all settled in to the Children's Miracle Network - Lions Guest House.  It's so nice and peaceful.  Pictures to follow. 

The Beginning of the End of Treatments - Radiation is finally here

A cousin of Rick's would like to have this
tattoo in honor of her nonna (grandma)
who died from breast cancer when
she was a little girl. 
I'm not advocating for tattos, but I
love the picture.

Wednesday was Simulation Day for radiation - the last phase of the intense part of my breast cancer treatment. 

Simulation is the beginning of the radiation process.  The radiation oncologist draws with a red permanent marker the area on your chest that needs to be radiated with shallow radiation.  In my case the area includes any place that used to contain breast tissue and the area where the lymph nodes were taken from - so it goes from my collar bone to the bottom of my ribs (below where the drains were after my surgery), to the center breast bone, and in to the arm pit.  This area will be radiated with the shallow radiation.  After the doctor does her drawing, the radiation tech taped metal pieces over the surgery scar and on the edges, then does a CT scan.  This gives them an idea of where everything is, heart, lungs, etc... they use all of this data to design the radiation plan.  I came home with the red box on my chest, and little pieces of tape that need to stay on until after they tattoo me :-).  They will also radiate along my collar bone with the deep type of radiation.  It's a really interesting process, a little scary, but interesting.

Monday is Day 0 in the radiation process, after taking all of the data from yesterdays' scans and pictures, they set the radiation machine up, and make templates, tattoo me (only the size of pin heads, nothing cool or pretty), and do a test run through of the radiation process.  Then the real thing starts on Tuesday. 

Since the radiation will be 5 days a week for about 6 weeks, I'll be staying in Eugene during the week and coming home on the weekend.  Katrina will be with me most of the time and we will be staying at the Children's Miracle Network Guest House. Kind of like a mini vacation - well maybe?

I'm also getting stents in my tear ducts next week - hopefully it will help with my eye issues and I will be able to drive again!!!!!

Check out the Army of Women widget that I added, it's a pretty amazing project, dedicated to finding a cure for Breast Cancer. 

I received a great Breast Cancer magazine from Joanie at Ladies First Choice Breast Cancer Boutique in Salem, it's called Breast Cancer Wellness Magazine, they have a website, breastcancerwellness.org, order your free subscription.  It's is a very informative and interesting magazine, it encourages you to go beyond being a Breast Cancer Survivor to being a Breast Cancer Thriver!

More from Eugene next week (hopefully).

Love and God Bless you,

Linda

Moving On To the Next Phase - less detail - more positive - Strangeness of Chemo

Well the big chemos are over!!! I thought that I would feel excited and relieved, but I'm not. I think it's been overwhelming and maybe just hasn't hit home yet, once the side effects start to subside maybe then I'll feel the excitement.

This has been a multi-phased journey, I was going to say a 3 phase journey, but I don't think that would really cover it. The 3 phases that I was thinking of were - Surgery - Chemo - Radiation - that plus so much more.  I typed a big long list of the phases, but decided not to share it, sounded kind of negative.

So, on the positive side, 6 months down, 2-3 months more of treatments (not counting the targeted and hormonal therapies, but those should be easy), then on the road to recovery.

I just flashed on the weirdness of Chemo and how it becomes normal - imagine walking in to a room full of people, you're greeted by the nurse and the others already there, the nurse plugs you in to your special cocktail through your port or an IV, then you just all sit around and chat as your special mix pours in to you to do it's job - Normal?  I guess it is, for now. 

Thanks be to God that the big chemos are over, and hopefully I'm on the easier side of the hill.

Love and God Bless,
Linda

Please pray for a family friend, Ron, who died this morning, Eternal rest grant on to him oh Lord!  And please pray for his family, Rosalie, Rhonda, Rod, Randy and all.  Thanks!

Last Big Chemo Tomorrow!!!! Can't wait for this part to be over!!!!

Well here it is almost 2am the night before my last big chemo and I'm exhaustedly (is this a word) wide awake and working on my blog - you gotta love the steroids :-).  It would be fun if I could see better, but again thank you Jim Mix for teaching us to type without looking at our fingers or the paper, proofreading is done after, not during. 


Finishing up with the big gun Chemo drugs, doesn't mean that I'm done, just done with the heavy duty stuff. 

I'll continue to take the Herceptin once every three weeks for a year through my wonderful port.  Ports are a great thing I'm so happy that they placed one in me, now  I don't have to have an IV placed every time I get an infusion, without the port I would have to had an IV placed at least 30 times in a year, that would be yucky!  Anyway - Here is some info on Herceptin and how it works.  It's a targeted therapy for breast cancer tumors that test positive for the Her2/Neu protein, I pulled the following information from this website -http://www.herceptin.com/adjuvant/what-is/index.jsp

Herceptin (trastuzumab) is not chemotherapy or hormonal therapy. Herceptin is a type of targeted cancer therapy known as a monoclonal antibody (sometimes called targeted biologic therapy). Antibodies are part of the body's normal defense against bacteria, viruses, and abnormal cells, such as cancer cells. 1,4

•Monoclonal antibodies are produced in a laboratory by making multiple copies of a single cell. Monoclonal antibodies are designed to recognize a specific protein on certain cells and signal the body's immune system to destroy the cell 2

•Monoclonal antibodies are generally a more targeted therapy than chemotherapy 2,3

To receive Herceptin, your tumor must be tested and be HER2+. 

I'll also be starting a hormonal therapy soon, I believe it's called Arimidex, and it's an aromatase inhibitor, which works by lowering the amount of the hormone estrogen in the body.  This is given to postmenopausal women with Estrogen/Progesterone positive tumors, like me.  It's given orally for 5 years.  It decreases the risk of recurrence of the cancer, as does the Herception.  

I think that the treatments that I've received are amazing, and the progress made in treating breast cancer in the last 5 years is incredible.  It's wasn't that long ago that the only options were surgery and the heavy gun chemo drugs and radiation, which worked well, but now with the addition of targeted and hormonal therapies the treatments work even better.  Just imagine the advances that will be made in cancer therapies over the next 5-10 years. 

The next step will be 6 weeks of daily radiation treatments in Eugene, starting around the end of the month - this addition to my therapy adds more power to the treatments that I'm receiving and also greatly decreases the chance of recurrence. 

Why am I looking forward to tomorrow - because if everything works like it's supposed to, I won't ever need the big chemo drugs again. I won't have to work through the challenging side effects, suffer this kind of exhaustion, pain, worry, stress, depression, intestinal issues, sight/vision issues, emotional swings and anger, the list goes on and on, but these were the hardest for me. 

In many ways Chemo was easier than I expected-

• I didn't spend hours with my head over the toilet throwing up, just a few days of slight nausea that could be controlled through meds, two week of food and drink tasting really bad, and two weeks of intestinal issues, but nothing that couldn't be overcome pretty easily.
• Pain - not too badly just generally achy most of the time, Vidodin helps when it gets so that you hurt to much to sleep - I only need it every now and then.
• Worry, Stress, Depression - I think that it just is part of coming to terms with Cancer and the the changes that it brings to you life - figuring out which worries are valid and which ones you need to let go of has been the hardest for me to deal with, but support groups, reading, prayer, prayer and more prayer, the support and prayers of family and friends, and asking your oncologist and the nurses all of your questions are things that have helped me a ton.
• Emotional Swings and Anger - this seems to come within a certain part of the cycle of therapy, when you feel really frustrated about your limitations, or just feel very overwhelmed by the whole thing - all I can say here is explain what you are feeling to family, so they don't think that your just mad at them or going crazy - and take an Ativan.  It's actually best to take the Ativan as soon as you recognize what's going on, it saves everyone a lot of stress.  Again you take have to take many of these or often.
• Exhaustion and sight issues have been the hardest for me to deal with - they both got worse each treatment and after the last one I didn't recover from either of these at all, and my big chemo is tomorrow.  It makes me wonder how long after my last one it will take for the exhaustion to go away - My eyes should get better once the stents are in, but....  not guarantees.
• Two things have helped me deal with these; one is taking walks, even when I don't feel like it and can't walk far, I always come back a little more energized than before, it doesn't always last long, but I'm always glad I took the walk, sometimes it's just round 1 block, but it helps.
• The only thing that has helped with the sight/vision issues is accepting them, not overworking my eyes, realizing I can't work, do computer work, read, drive except occasionally.  It's hard to give up these things, it makes you very dependent on others - but everyone has been great about accommodating my needs in this area.  I'm hoping that once the eyes are taken care of it will alleviate some of the exhaustion.

I would also suggest blogging or journaling it helps me deal with the issues better.  Putting this all down in writing makes you think about your issues and how you are dealing with them and what you could do to deal with them better.  That gives you the push you need to make the changes.

I really appreciate the input that I get from everyone, it helps a lot.  I have the best group of family and friends, and I've met so many new wonderful people on this journey that have now become a very important part of my life. 

• Those that I've met that have cancer and are in treatment, especially those that have been undergoing treatment for along time have given me such insight in to how to deal with things, they've encouraged me with their bravery, perseverence, postivity... 
• Those that have had cancer show me there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and that, hopefully, I will be able to move on to an improved normal life again. 
• Those that work with the cancer patients, especially the infusion nurses, are an unbelievable fount of information, balance and prespective (you can get a litle out there sometimes during this whole thing, every time I've talked to one of the chemo nurses about any issues, they have pulled me right back to the appropriate perspective - thank you Claudia!) 

Well, I think that's more than enough for tonight, it looks like this got a little long. 

Thanks again for all of the prayers and support and thank you Jesus for being my guiding light. 

Jesus I trust in You!  O Mary conceived without sin pray for us!

God Bless you,
Linda

#6 Coming Up - Henna - 1 Rare Taxotere Side Effect -

Katrina has become quite the Henna artist.  We started out trying it to make semi-permanent eyebrows, but it didn't work well.  So, since we had all the Henna, Katrina learned all  about Henna Tattoos.  Here are a couple of pictures of the head tattoo that she designed and hand drew for me - thanks Katrina - I love it!!!!!!!

I came across this great book at chemochicks.com called "Turning Heads:  Portraits of Grace, Inspiration and Possibilities" (this is also the website that gave us the idea for henna head tattoos).  The book is written and compiled by a cancer survivor-here is an excerpt from the publishers - "Hats and head scarves are nowhere to be seen in these portraits of women who have lost their hair during treatment for cancer. Each picture, taken by a well-known photographer, captures bald women too intent on work or play to be bashful about their looks—among others, Melissa Etheridge belts out a Janis Joplin tune at the 2005 Grammys, a rodeo cowgirl poses with the cowboys, a surfer climbs a wave in Hawaii......  "  It's beautiful, with the portrait of each woman they offer a glimpse in to their cancer journey, in the back the photographers talk about the women they photographed.

Of all the books on cancer that I've read since my journey began, I have to say, this is at the top of the list.  It offers hope and inspiration, and takes away some of the fears that you experience when you are diagnosed with cancer.  I believe that every cancer center should give this book to newly diagnosed women with the packet you get.  This book is available through the Douglas County Library System, and Juliana was able to find me my own copy on Amazon, a used copy (you can't tell it's used) for under $10.  If you know someone that was newly diagnosed or are yourself dealing with cancer this is a must read!!! 

A little on one, not so fun, Taxotere Side Effect.  

Taxotere is an anti-cancer ("antineoplastic" or "cytotoxic") chemotherapy drug. Taxotere is classified as a "plant alkaloid," a "taxane" and an "antimicrotubule agent."  It is made from the bark of the Pacific Yew.  It kills cancer cells  - Yippee!!! It is also the drug that upsets your intestines, makes you lose your hair, lowers your blood counts, causes mouth sores - these are the common side effects.  It also has some less common side effects.

They body rids itself of the of the chemo drugs in many different ways, one way is through the tear duct system, some of the drug (toxin) is in your tears and drains out through the tear ducts.  Because it's an irritant, in 2-3% of women it causes irritation and swelling to the tear duct (punctal stenosis).  When your tear duct swells closed you have over tearing, headaches, distorted vision, very tired eyes, possibly permanent scarring ...  I'm one of the lucky (?) 2-3%. 

What does that mean to your daily life - it looks like your snorkeling, most of the time, and the rest of the time everything is just blurry; it's hard to focus, so driving, looking at the computer screen, reading, for more than a few minutes, if you can actually see well enough to do this, causes your eyes to tear excessively and run down your face (people think you are crying); it is exhausting to the eyes; and it causes headaches. At this point I'm basically unable to work or drive, so I have to find someone to drive me to all of my appointments.  Of all the side effects of the treatments this and the fatigue have been the most frustrating.

There are blessings though - Juliana, Teresa, Katrina, and Rick have been wonderful about rearranging their schedules to get me to where I need to go - thank you so much.  I've had dozens of other offers for rides (all of my friends and family are truly a blessing).  I'm also lucky to have a job that offers me disability pay.  Thank you Jim Mix for teaching me to touch type, that way I can type with my eyes closed!  Still need a proofreader, but at least I can type it myself. 

How is this treated - first they dilated and irrigated my tear ducts, then tried 2 rounds of steroid eye drops to see if that would decrease the swelling in the ducts, this works in 98% of women with this issue.  But apparently I'm in the 2% of the 2% of women that this didn't work for (doesn't it seem like if I'm that lucky I should be able to win the lottery?).  The next step is to have temporary stents placed in my tear ducts, that is scheduled for the end of September.  Even though I will be done with my taxotere by then it takes several months for your body to heal, and they want the stents in place to hold the tear ducts open while they heal, that way they won't have to put in permanent stents up the road (hopefully). 

This is teaching me, even more so, to put it all in God's hands.  He seems to be telling me to stop being such a control freak, not easy for me, but I'm getting better!

Thank you for all of the prayers and support!

God Bless you all,

Linda

 

I think I took too many naps today-now I'm awake and reflecting on the benefits of baldness -

No bad hair days!
Hairstyling time is greatly reduced!
Can't catch your hair on fire (happened to me twice)
Can't get your hair caught in the KitchenAid Mixer (only happened once)
Can't get it caught in the lawnmower (happened to someone else -not me - phew!)
Saves Money (never need a haircut or color)
It makes the gray go away
People don't recognize you - you can change you're identity everytime you leave the house!
Your head stays cool in the summer.
No Dandruff!
More aerodynamic - in theory you should be able to swim and run faster because of less resistance!
No more hat head!

Let me know if you can think of more benefits.

Linda

Fun with the Boys - Hair or No Hair - That is the Question?

Teresa's boys came on over to show me their haircuts, so

of course we had to get a picture.  Here we are without hair.

Of course since I had a new wig we all had to see how we looked with hair - what do you think?  Hair or no?

Thoughts on Vanity - and 4 down 2 to go!

4 Baldies - Granddaughter Demetria, Daughter Katrina,
me, and Son Patrick

Patrick and family came for the 4th of July and we had a great time.  We finally got a picture of the four of us together, Demi, Katrina and Patrick all shaved their heads to show their support for my journey through breast cancer - so here we are - the 4 baldies.  Demi and Katrina were chatting about how they think that every teenage girls should shave there head once, it changed their perspective on many things.  What I see is that it increased maturity and confidence in both girls.  I've learned a lot from them. Patrick is planning on keeping his head shaved for a while.  Thank you guys!

Hair - what a subject!

I've always struggled with my curly hair, I grew up in the straight hair era and tried very hard to have straight hair like everyone else, dippity do, sleeping on huge rollers, ironing, straight wig.... but I could never get rid of the curls.  At some point in my late 20's or early 30's I gave up and decided to embrace my curly hair and let it be what it was. 

This is also the time that I became obsessive about my hair and developed a fear of getting it cut, many beauticians cut curly hair the same as straight, which ends up making you look like the girl in Dilbert, or Sally in Peanuts, not a pretty picture. 

So when I was diagnosed with cancer, I found out first that I wouldn't be able to shower for 4-6 weeks, then once I started Chemo I would lose my hair - YIKES!  But it actually put my vanity in perspective. 

The first thing I did was get my hair cut shoulder length (about 8 inches off) so it would be easier to wash after surgery, this was the first step to baldness.  Amazing I really liked it! 

Step two - the day after my first Chemo, my wonderful daughters came over and cut my hair to about 2 inches long - I still liked it! 

Step Three - 14 days after my first chemo - my hair started falling out, I stepped out of the shower and shaved it all off instead of watching it fall out by the handful and watch it wash down the drain (I thought sounded really depressing) - how liberating that was, another instance where being proactive helps!  Meet your fears head on and take action!!!  OK enough on hair.

How about losing a breast for the next subject!

1st you receive the diagnosis that you have breast cancer, before you even have time to adjust a little, you see the surgeon.  On Wednesday the surgeon, says "You need surgery to remove this, I would do a modified radical mastectomy, we'll take your whole left breast as well as many lymph nodes".  I say "Wow, how much time do I have to think about this?".  Surgeon, "I want to schedule you for 1st thing Monday morning."  5 minutes to decide - 5 days to adjust!  This is a breast we're talking about, for women that can be pretty traumatic. 
The media makes a big deal out of breasts - bigger better? smaller being OK, but not as good as big? - these concepts put out there by the media effect the self image of women from before they even have breasts clear through their lives.  Where did this come from - it came from the idea that breasts are a sex object, a male media produced concept.  Have you ever noticed that in the media women are always supposed to look young, never grow gray, or sag, or gain any weight?  But the men age and get ever younger women.  I don't believe this is very healthy for anyone.  I don't want my daughters to feel they have to buy in to this line of thought, nor do I want my sons to (so far so good on all of them).  I'm pleased to say that my husband doesn't buy in to this, not that he doesn't like my breasts (my kids would say TMI), but he told me that with 1 breast I would be like an Amazon woman that lost my breast to make me stronger, what a guy! 
I believe that God gave us breasts for a reason, to feed our children.  How do I feel about losing one of them?  I discovered that they really are a part of  my self image, they fed my 5 children, they looked good in clothes, not only did my hair define me, but so did my breasts.  This led to a lot of questions - how will my clothes fit, what will my body look like, I scar easily, will I still look OK, how will others perceive me, will people look at my breast and try to see the difference, how much will it hurt, will I develop lymphedema, should I have him take both breasts, will I have reconstruction eventually or is that just my vanity talking......?
So, how do I feel about it now that it's over - it isn't easy, the scar is ugly, I'm lopsided, half of my chest is numb, there is pain and tightness at times - But they make awesome prostheses that, with a special bra (your insurance pays for them both) are very comfortable and you look just like you did before, they even make swimsuits that you can wear the prosthesis in, sometimes you even forget you are missing a breast, all of my clothes fit fine (except that I've lost a little weight, so maybe the clothes are looser), people don't stare at your chest to see if they can see the difference, I haven't developed lymphedema, the pain is lessening, and I'm considering reconstruction up the road (it's not vain, but actually pretty practical).

My lesson in vanity!
My hair and breasts do not define me as a person - who I am inside is not determined by my body, my body is a vehicle, and right now it's a war zone involved in a great battle, no one comes out of a war zone unscathed physically, mentally, and/or spiritually.  We need to take time to make sure the scars that are left help us grow in a positive direction.  This war is teaching me something new about myself every day, showing me the strengths and weaknesses that I have, what I need to work on, giving me empathy and understanding for others going through trials, helping me put my priorities in order, showing me how much God does for me daily (I couldn't do this without the help of Jesus and the intercessory prayers of Mary), how thankful that I am for all that I have, my faith, my family, my friends, all the people praying for me (even total strangers), and even my trials. 

Please remember all cancer patients in your prayers, as well as their families, caregivers, doctors and nurses.  They are an amazing group of people!

Thank you all and God bless you,
Linda

PS I'm still handling the treatments well, but have developed an issue with my tear ducts, they may put a stint in for the remainder of my treatments, I see the opthamologist in the morning. 

Time for an Update - 2nd week of the 2nd Chemo Cycle

I guess it's time for an update - and a wig picture.

Congratulations Demi - my 15 year old granddaughter got her drivers permit today - YIKES!!!!

Congratulations Francis and Ingrid - they are expecting a 2nd baby on Christmas - grandchild #14. YIKES!!!!

I had the best lunch on Sunday, 3 of my sister-in-laws (Roseann, Robin & Renee) came by and we went to lunch, what a blessed visit we had, I hope we can do it again soon, and have others join us.

Emily brought me Cream of Broccoli soup for dinner, she made it all by herself and it was wonderful - even with my altered taste buds it tasted great - Thank you Emily!!

Well, I'm on the second week of the second "big" chemo (1/3 of the way done - only 4 more "big"ones to go).  So much for knowing what to expect and having a pattern to follow.  This time I feel better in some ways, but, boy when they say you may be fatigued, I had no clue.  It's the kind of fatigue that you have when you've been up for three days, but it comes and goes at will and you can't work through it, doing that only makes it worse.  It brought some things to the forefront for me - I have to let my body tell me what it needs (rest), and I have to let things go - being a control freak makes this a little challenging. 

Yesterday I hit a wall, which made me start thinking that maybe my priorities needed to be rearranged.  Here goes - I have cancer, that means that my body is trying to get rid of a dread invader; I'm getting Chemo, that means that they are dumping drugs that kill cancer in to my body at a volume that "will kill the cancer", but not only does it kill the cancer, it kills your healthy cells too; then your body is trying to recover, let the cancer cells die, and restore the healthy cells before it all starts over again three weeks later.  Wow, what a roller coaster ride, no wonder I'm tired. 

Here's the to-do list of what I need to do to get well, and maintain a healthy (both physically and mentally) life - let me know if you see me getting off track.

• I'm not in charge - God is!  Give my life to Him daily - He'll take care of me.
• Pray for healing, patience, understanding and just plain help. 
• Thank God for the wonderful and supportive family, friends and co-workers that I have, I couldn't do this without them.
• Take time for my family, to enjoy and love them (it's not easy for them either, they have to put up with me).
•  Relax and rest - as my surgeon said,  "Tissues at rest heal best".  This isn't just true for tissues, it's true for my mind as well, meditate on the important things in life, find time just to clear my mind and let calm and peace enter it. 
• Walk and enjoy the summer, it releases endorphins, oxygenates the blood, tones the body and gives peace to the mind - and walking with someone is an added bonus. 
• Plan and enjoy healthy,  life-giving meals - lots of variety (the more colors, the more variety) - fish, whole grains, fruits, vegetables, grass fed beef - whole, organic foods.  Eat regularly and small meals (settles better). 
• Don't eat chicken - carboplatin makes it taste disgusting.
• Drink lots of fluids (adding lemon to your water makes it taste better) - keeps the pipes working, cleans the toxins out of your system, so that you recover faster from the treatments and are in a better place when it's time for the next one - Yippeee!!
• Enjoy meal times with your family, spend the time to just sit and chat about the day, eat slowly and relax. 
• The housework will always be there, don't stress about it.
• If I'm tired, just say no and take a break.
• Thank God that I work for a company, and with people, that allows me to set my schedule according to how I'm feeling, has rearranged most of my duties, allows me to work from home, has disability insurance, and good medical insurance - so that I can take the time and energy that I need to get well.

Jesus I Trust in You!

Thank you all for your prayers and support.  Cancer cells begone.

God Bless you,

Linda

Demi Joined the Ranks of the Bald and Beautiful!!!!!

Here is my beautiful 15 year old granddaughter, joining ranks with her dad, aunt and me.  Thanks Demi - I love you!  You are beautiful.

Nonna

Happy Memorial Day - A Great Day to Lose Your Hair!

My hair started falling out yesterday.  I thought I would be brave and let it take its own sweet time, but decided - NO!  If I'm going to be bald it will be my choice - when and how, not the Chemo's.  Chemo can control a lot of things, but not this.  So I got up this morning and shaved it off.  Surprisingly it doesn't look half bad.   River, one of my 73/4 year old (as he says) grandsons, looked at my head and said - Wow - and you're still pretty Nona.  Gotta love that kid.

Katrina in a show of solidarity - shaved her head too, she's just as beautiful without hair as she is with.  Thank you Katrina that is so sweet of you, you are amazing.

I found that it isn't near as scary to be bald as I thought it would be, though my head is a little cold without a hat, but I have plenty of those, I wonder if Katrina is planning on borrowing them.

Baldness already seems normal and it's only been 12 hours.  I'm continuously amazed about what I consider normal now, compared to a couple of months ago, it's truly wonderful how adaptable we can be.  Living with an attitutude of gratitude, trusting in our Lord, rolling with the punches and keeping a postive, fun outlook makes all the difference.  My faith carries me through the dips, I just have to remember to say "Jesus I trust in You". 

I again want to thank everyone for the prayers and support - I have an amazing group of family, friends and even casual acquaintances.

Love to you all and May God Bless you and your families.

Linda

Hair Cut and Scarf Bonding with some wonderful girls

Well it was suggested yesterday by a couple of wonderful nurses at the Willamette Valley Cancer Center that it might be a good idea to cut my hair short soon, as it would be starting to fall out in 2-4 weeks, this would help me avoid the hair fall out shock.  Juliana brought Katrina home from their journey to Demi's Confirmation and she offered to cut it for me - I don't think that I've had it this short since 8th grade.  Thanks Juliana for doing such a good job. 

Then we got carried away with scarf bonding, testing out the hats and the ways to tie scarves.  I have the best daughters, they are amazing.  Emily joined in the fun too.  It would have been fun to have Mom, Betty, Demi, Ingrid and Ellie. 




It looks like Patrick did his bit and shaved his head, Anthony thought he looked like an alien, but I think that he is as handsome as ever. 





Below are some pictures of our Scarf day.

Thank you all for the great day - I love you all.  May God Bless my amazing family.

Mom (Linda)

5/17/2010 Chemo - 1 Down - 5 To Go!

I can feel any lurking cancer cells saying their good byes before DYEING!!!!!

Today was my first Chemo day, we were there from 9-5, having labs drawn, seeing the Dr. and his nurse, who gave us all the info about what was going to happen, what to expect, what to be concerned about, what to watch out for, and what do if/when I get the issues. Then six hours on an IV, actually through my port that was placed below my right collar bone, first giving me saline, so that I would have to use the bathroom at least once an hour while I was there.

Then the "Chemo" started - first they gave me mega doses of Benedryl and more steriods (I'm already taking high doses of steriods for three days - good bye sleep, I hear that by the end of the week though that all I'll want to do is sleep). Next came the actual "Chemo" drugs Taxotere, this is the one the are most worried will cause an allergic reaction on the first treatment, next Carboplatin, everything went well. The taxotere kills cancer cells that are growing, and Carboplatin kills them at rest. I will be receiving these every three weeks for 6 treatments total.

Then came the Hercepitin - this is actually a targeted therapy, it's an antibody that works against HER/2neu positve cancer cells, given in conjuction with the Chemo on my chemo days, but is also give weekly during the "6 treatment phase" I will receive it 3 times for every Chemo treatment, after that I will continue to receive this every three weeks for a year.

So far I feel fine, but it's probably because I have so many phramaceuticals to keep me that way for the next day or two. By Thursday these drugs will all wear off, and I may not feel so good for a few days, but they've covered their bases there too, with more drugs if needed.

7-14 days after these treatments my white cells drop and it's much easier for me to develop a serious infection - that's the time to stay away from sick people and crowds.

Good News - starting next week with my weekly Herceptin treatment I will get to receive the rest of my treatments in Florence, barring any issues - YaaHoo! That will make the day easier.

A word on my prostheic breast and bra - you can't tell the difference from a real one, it feels comfortable, looks great, is easy to use, you can take it swimming. Sometimes I even forget that I dont' still have the real one, kind of weird actually.

Thank you all for your continued prayers - they make a world of difference. I'm so blessed with my family, friends, neighbors, acquaintances. Small towns are a wonderful place to be, it's amazing how people that you barely know are there to pray for you, and help you, and they really mean it. Sure makes me feel bad about the times that I could have been there for others, but I just didn't get it done. Hoping to change that in the future.

TTFN - more on this new Lifes Adventure soon.

Through the prayers of the Mother of God - O Saviour Save us!!!

Linda

5/7/2010 - Good Results!!!! Happy Mother's Day.

I spent all day Wednesday getting scanned, top to bottom - I got the results, NO SIGN of metastasis - yippee, and now they have a baseline for the future. We also have a good baseline for my heart (my heart looked great), since herceptin can cause heart issues, that's very rare, but does happen.

The Dr. decided to put my chemo off for a week or so because I'm still on antibiotics for the abscessed tooth that I had worked on last week, they want to wait until I'm done with the antibiotics just to make sure. This is kind of sad, because I wanted to get moving on this, but it's better to be safe than sorry.

We're in Medford this weekend for Elijah's First Communion, Father Cary and Cary celebrated a beautiful mass yesterday for 32 young ones. The Church was packed and it was just the families and friends of the First Communicants. It turned out to be a beautiful, sunny day. Betty made an amazing banquet for the bunch of us, and Patrick did a wonderful job of barbequing (not sure that's how you spell that). Great family visiting time. We don't get to see Patrick, Betty, Demi, Anthony, Eli and Ellie near enough. The kids are so fun to be around.

Two friends/co-workers, Toni and Lynn, did the Relay for Life in Boise for me yesterday - Thanks Toni and Lynn.

Happy Mother's Day to everyone. Enjoy your families, if you haven't talked to them in a while give them a call.

God bless,
Linda

This journey started with a root canal

The day before my mammogram I had a root canal - it was easy, painless, and the insurance paid for almost all of it. Well, last night the tooth behind it started hurting, so I called and left a message at my dentists, being the amazing people they are they called me before 8 this morning and scheduled an appt for noon to check it out, you can't start chemo with and infected tooth. I drove to Coos Bay, they gave me antibiotics and pain pills and referred me to the endodontist, saying I should get in tough this afternoon, so that I can get my chemo as scheduled. Got back to work about 2 and called the endodontist, low and behold they could see me in a couple of hours. Thank goodness Rick could go with me, I get a little stressed at the dentist, so this way I could take one of my dental/airplane flight ativan that I had left. The endodontist was great, but not only did I need a root canal, he needed to cut open my gum, drill in to the bone, etc... in order to get the infection cleaned out, so after 1 and a half hours of jackhammering in my mouth, they sent me on my way with stitches, stronger pain medicine and a soft diet for the next week. On the good side the awesome endodontist is only charging us for the root canal, but not for the additional surgery, which would have cost us an additional $1800, thanks Dr Liesinger.

Well the novacaine has now worn off and the pain meds are starting to kick in - wooohooo. After this, I think that chemo may be much easier than a root canal.

Things to remember -
God never gives us more than we can handle
Offer my pain to our Lord, it's less than He had to suffer for us.
Be thankful for all that God has given us, including the root canal, who knows, if this hadn't been taken care of today it could have been much worse when my white counts are low.

Thank you God.

Katrina, Francis, Ingrid and Vincent are safely in Kentucky. May God bless Miette, her family and Godparents on her baptismal day.

Through the prayers of the Mother of God, oh Saviour save us.

Linda